


Pike’s Secret: The Cage Door is never Closed

by BeaWicha



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Drama & Romance, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Escape, F/M, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hiding Medical Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other, Red Angel (Star Trek), Section 31 (Star Trek), Starfleet, Starfleet Academy, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24778237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaWicha/pseuds/BeaWicha
Summary: This is set between TOS' pilot episode "The Cage" and the events of the second half of Star Trek: Discovery's second season.I make no money from this fanfic
Relationships: Christopher Pike/Original Character(s), Christopher Pike/Others
Comments: 30
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1: Beauty and the Bear

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1: Beauty and the Bear  
> This may become more than fluff, but this chapter is fluff with a little angst. Enjoy!

The sun rose behind a halo of clouds. I watched it glimmer in the sky. It looked like Earth circa the 20th century all around me. A log cabin stood to my left, and through the open windows, I could see it was outfitted in only the bare minimum of comfort. There was no electricity let alone computer terminals or communication equipment. The furnishings were right out of a museum display I can clearly recall in my mind’s eye. I think it was called midcentury modern. A little way down the path in front of me, there were two horses in a run quietly grazing on hay.

The sky, the terrain, even the air felt like my shore leave to the Rocky Mountains right after I graduated from the academy. But that was almost twenty years ago. I smiled at those memories for a second. I took a breath and pushed those thoughts aside. As much as I wanted this to be Earth—for it to be home, it was really Talos IV. And I wasn’t here by choice.

My captors always seem to know my wants, my secret desires, dreams I can’t even admit to myself. They know what I can never reveal, whom I might be. And each day I feel like I am sinking further into this fantasy world. I almost believe it. I try to resist. I keep telling myself that this is not real. That I am in command of the _USS Discovery_ , that this is not happening, that Burnham and Suru are trying to find me. But with each sunset, it is harder to hold on to reality. I miss the feel of the command chair. I wish to stare at the stars through the viewscreen again, to hear the whine of the warp engines.

I flex my hands and imagine the feel of the chair for a second. Then I noticed a sparrow chirping on the ground near my silent feet. I’m torn. Life here seems natural and serene. It is quite a contrast to the technology-filled rigid existence I thought I wanted when I enlisted in Starfleet. Maybe I can find contentment here. Maybe it is what I wanted. I told Dr. Boyce on _The Enterprise_ before I moved to _Discovery_ that I was tired. That I no longer wanted to be responsible for hundreds of lives. The Talosians were obviously listening.

I fill the bird feeders daily and wait for the dawn to peak out beyond the mountains, so I can watch my favorite birds gently fight for grain and fruits. One morning, a few days ago, a bear roamed by the cabin. It pulled the feeders down. I tried to startle it by just hollering and making a bit of a ruckus, but the bear only left after I unloaded a few rounds of buckshot. I aimed away, not wanting to hurt the bear. The sound finally sent the creature on its way. I cleaned up the mess and reattached the feeders. “Feeding these damn birds is going to get me killed,” I muttered to myself as I reached and placed the cylindrical tube on the hook. The mosaic of colors and textures inside the feeder captured my attention for a moment.

My mind wandered back to _Discovery_. I could see the colors of the bridge. The red dots on a map. Then the scene changed. I was in my quarters. Then, I was transported to my ready room. I smoothed my hair between the palms of my hands and adjusted my dark-blue uniform. I walked to the doors and waited for the hiss to allow my movement to the bridge, but nothing happened. I blinked hard and noticed the bird feeder swinging in the slight breeze. The scent of the crisp air filled my nose. The deafening quiet pounded in my ears.

I looked down. My blue uniform was replaced with denim and plaid. My regulation footwear gone. Cowboy boots that looked warn to perfection fitted on my feet like they were always there. I tried to find the answers in the lost patterns of seed and fruit. I tried to trigger that memory again, but nothing happened. I put my right hand through my graying hair. “How much longer can I stay here”? I asked myself aloud.

Dazed and depressed, I sat on a nearby downed log. “This can’t be real,” I said. My anger started to burn through my skin. It was almost a daily ritual. Peace, anger, peace, anger. Bird seed. “Will, I ever make it to resolve or escape”? I yelled. I picked up a few rocks near my feet and started throwing them. I cocked my arm back as far as I could and just used the energy usually spent by swearing and muttering into this physical, tactile, and childish display. Once, for a second, I saw a ripple in the sky. “There is a weakness here,” I thought. “Every cage has its door.”

Just then, a rustling of leaves distracted me from my momentary dream of escape. It was Vina. She held a basket filled with apples in the crook of her arm. The fruit was covered with a kitchen towel. It looked like the one my mother used to have. I blinked again. The towel’s color changed from cream to blue. Vina approached shyly. Her eyes always look the same, but her demeanor and shape would sometimes shift. I can’t remember when it happens. I just know that it does. She is mist, mysterious and hard to capture, but I am drawn to her. She is everything I ever wanted.

The sight of her made my breath catch a little. She held the basket out towards me. I reached under the towel and took the apple. I caught her eye, and held that gaze while I bit through the skin. Tiny drips of juice dripped down my hand. The flavor whetted my lips. She dropped her head for a second. I put my hand on her face. Her skin was warm and flawless.

“Good morning, Vina” I said as I wiped my thumb over her lower lip.

“Morning, Chris,” she said almost like a whisper, her voice thin.

She moved haltingly and avoided my eyes wandering over her. She wore a dress. It was purple the first time I saw her, I know it was, but now it was blue. It fitted over her curves and reminded me of someone—I can’t remember who.

“Vina,” I asked breaking the stillness of the morning. “Where did you get that dress?”

“This?” she answered quickly. “Oh, I have had it for some time. Don’t you like it?” she said with a twirl.

“Yes,” I said. “I thought it was purple the last time you wore it.”

“Oh, no. I don’t have anything that color,” she answered.

Her breath seemed short and her tone clipped and rehearsed. She looked at the ground. For some reason her evasion made me angry. I grabbed her wrist.

“What is going on here?” I asked.

Her steel blue eyes shone with terror. She squeaked and tried to pull her arm away.

“I don’t know what you mean,” she stammered. “I was up early and picked these in the orchard.”

“This place. You. Are we Adam and Eve here? Are you my temptation?” I ranted. I took the basket off her arm and slammed it down on the ground. A few apples wobbled out and rolled away, resting at the foot of the largest tree in the area. I tossed the half-eaten one towards the horse run.

Vina pulled harder and managed to break free from my grasp.

“Shhhh. They will hear you,” she said.

“So this is a trap, and I am not really here,” I replied.

“They made me out of dreams you forgotten because the strongest dreams are about the things you can’t do,” she said. “But if you continue to rebel, they will hurt you. They will hurt us both. And yes, you are really here.”


	2. The Anger Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Anger Rises (Like the Force or Batman or something) from Pike. He is still moving through time and space--and not happy about it.

I took a step back. It was hard to focus on her face, her voice. The world seemed off its axis. My feet felt like they were not on solid ground anymore. I shook my head a little in an attempt to clear my mind and I was back. I was on the _Discovery_. Momentary bliss filled my chest.

I ran my hands down the front of my uniform. The dark blue fabric rippled as I brushed the sturdy, utilitarian jacket. My insignia was pinned to perfection, my boots clean. I licked my lips in anticipation, but the flavor of an apple still lingered there. I looked around my ready room, but there was no half-eaten fruit anywhere. I tried to steady my mind. This didn’t feel right. Where was I a second ago? I took a step towards the door, and the hiss indicated that it was open. I crossed the threshold, thinking I was on the bridge, but when I walked through, I emerged outside in full daylight.

I stood, not on the bridge of the _Discovery_ but on an urban sidewalk. There were pedestrians everywhere. People were eating picnic lunches on the large green space between buildings. The air was warm and welcoming. The sun blinding with its rays. It was Earth.

“I know this place,” I said with a happy sigh. I felt light and joyful. I never wanted to leave this moment.

“Of, course you do, Chris,” a familiar voice said while elbowing me in the gut. “What kind of comment is that?

“I mean, of course I know this place. I am just looking for someone I was supposed to meet,” I said, trying to cover my ridiculous-sounding self-narrative of being lost and out of time and space.

I turned to see my buddy from the academy. His name was Nole Carter. He died on his first command mission. How could he be alive? Well? Young?

“Noel,” I touched his shoulder, just to be sure that he was real.

“Bro,” he said taking a step back. “You need to get out more.”

“You are right,” I replied.

Noel looked at me strangely. His pitted nose and elongated ears were typical for Ladisomes, but his time on Earth gave his facial expressions a more human look. He was most definitely perplexed.

“Chris,” he said. “I have known you for four years. Been your bunkmate and your wingman, and I never heard you say that you would slow down. You are always striving for the next hurdle. You never see an end to your personal growth. It is sickening to those satisfied with mediocracy like I am.” Noel tilted his head back and barked out a few hoarse laughs.

I just slapped him hard in the back and laughed with him for a second.

“No, no,” I added when I caught my breath. “I do want to slow down a bit and take tonight off. Where are we going?”

Noel looked me up and down not sure of what he saw.

“There is a new club in town and off campus. It is supposed to be the place to meet cadets looking for love—like me!” He laughed again.

“OK, friend,” I added. “I will meet you there. Where is it?”

“Chris, I told you about a thousand times,” Noel said. “It is at the corner of Mojave and California. I can’t believe you are going! I should be there around 8. I have a lab to finish for Jenkins in Astrophysics first.”

“Sounds good, Noel. I will see you there.”

Noel turned on a heal and was lost in the swarm of cadet uniforms. I stopped for a minute and leaned against a large Oak. I looked down. I was in a cadet uniform too. It was a monochromatic red. My insignia was a small silver Delta on my collar. I had my hat in my hand and a duty roster underneath my arm. Starfleet Academy looked the same as I remembered it, but I never wore a uniform like this one. My head spun and I felt like I might be sick. I slid down the side of the tree and rested on the ground for a moment.

I looked up and a pair of shapely legs were all I could see. Then the knees bent and the kindest eyes I ever saw were peering into mine.

“Are you all right,” the owner of the eyes said.

“Yes, yes,” I protested and tried to stand.

She reached out her hand and helped me up with a gentle tug. I brushed off my pant legs with a few quick strokes of my free hand. I put my hat on and then offered my right hand in greeting.

“Christopher Pike,” I said.

“Penny Hewson,” she said as she took my offered hand in hers.

“Nice to meet you Penny,” I added.

“I just saw you sitting there and I was worried for you. I thought you might need a medic,” Penny said.

Penny wore a cadet uniform as well, but if the pips on her neck were like the ones I used to wear on my sleeves, she out ranked me and was in the engineering corps, while my insignia labeled me as a command training officer. Penny’s copper hair shone in the sunlight and lived up to her name. She even had the eyes to match. They were pools of amber and sunsets. I was smitten. My mouth went dry, so I coughed for sympathy.

“Cadet Pike,” she asked.

I waved a hand in dismissal as I continued to wheeze.

“I’m just going to walk with you until we can get you some water,” she said.

I let her hold my arm and lead me towards the main dining hall entrance. We plunged through the large groups of future captains, ensigns, and everyone else who mingled in the building. She deposited me in a chair near the large plate-glass windows. Within seconds, she was back with a tall glass of water. She slid it on the table and sat down on my side of the table. I took tiny sips and then full gulps. I keep looking into those amber stones that were her eyes. I never wanted to leave this moment.

I set the glass down, and tried to speak, but seconds later I was standing near Vina outside the log cabin in the mountains.

“No!” I shouted tilting my head towards the sky in utter despair.

“Chris,” Vina whispered. “What’s wrong?”

“I was back at the academy. No. I was on the _Discovery_. Why can’t I stay anywhere too long?” I asked.

Vina placed both hands on my arm and positioned herself in such a way that I could only hold her close to my body. My pulse raced with rage and loneliness. Vina ran her fingers up and down my arm, then my leg, then she turned around and kissed me. I grabbed her hair in both of my fists and held her mouth to mine. She squirmed for breath before I let her go.

“Is that what you wanted from me,” I roared at her.

She cast a downward glance.

“Yes,” she said. “And more.”

Rage burned at my throat like bile. I hated her and wanted her with such fury, both in equal measure. It was pure lust at that moment. She just blinked slowly like a lazy cat. I took two large steps and positioned her between me and the outer wall of the cabin. I tore the dress. I took her without mercy. I wanted to make it hurt. It was the only way I could feel anything at all.

When it was over, Vina took what was left of her clothing inside the cabin. I turned away and looked at the ever-longer horizon, my rage and shame burning in my skin.


	3. Hello, it’s me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I have no idea what I am doing. I am just rolling with it--and no this is not Number one.)

The gentle hum vibrated through the ship. Saru sat in the chair. He scanned reports and kept the _Discovery_ running. He was a good officer. He was worried, but chose to show resolve as he always did.

“Burnham,” he said.

Michael Burnham strode over to him and nodded.

“Yes, Commander,” she replied.

“Any fix on the captain?” Suru asked.

“No, sir. We still can’t get a fix on his position,” she said. “Tilly has some ideas. With your permission, I would like to join her in engineering.”

“Permission granted,” he said with a nod. “And Burnham, it’s only been 24 hours,” Suru added. “Let’s keep focus. Captain Pike will know we are looking for him. We won’t let him down.”

I walked away from the cabin. I needed to see how far this environment went. Did it just repeat replicated scenery or was it an expanse of land that had a perimeter fence around it? It was unclear at best what kind of cage it was. But it was a cage. And the first duty an officer needs to perform in times like this is to find a way to escape.

I ignored Vina’s calls and started walking. The smell of pine trees and the whispers of birds soaring let me try to focus on my surroundings for a minute rather than my fear of being trapped here forever. I kept walking. My boots kicked up a little dust as I picked up speed. I felt happier when I started to jog a little. The cabin shrank behind me when I turned my head to see how far I had travelled.

I turned my head and resumed my course. It was nice to just look forward. I tried to focus my thoughts on my breathing and my jogging pace. I did not think about anything else. I did not want them taking more of my mind away and forcing me to play their games.

The terrain went on and on. No end in sight. I just kept moving. I dodged a few low branches and watched for uneven ground.

The sky started to blur a little, and I fell to my knees. I gripped the bits of dirt and long grasses nearby in an attempt to hold myself steady. “I will not go,” I kept saying. I fought the shift until I lost consciousness.

I rubbed my eye with the back of my hand taking in my surroundings as quickly as I could. I was home. My tiny bed was pushed against the bulkhead wall and my books and reports strewn around me. Everything was in muted oranges and grays—Starfleet through and through. I was in my quarters on the _Enterprise_.

I smoothed my uniform. It was gold with piping on the cuffs. It felt like a second skin. I inhaled. It was a sense of relief. I readied myself with a quick shave and comb through my hair. It was me looking back in the mirror, but my hair was a bit darker and my lines fewer. “No,” I spat as I clutched the sides of the sink and bashed the metal with my fist. “No!”

A small ding broke me from my self-indulgent reverie. “Enter,” said composing myself and tugging at my shirt.

“Morning, Chris,” the familiar voice said. “I thought you would like some breakfast.”

I looked at her. Tears welled in my eyes. She was standing here. She was alive.

“Oh, no, Chris” she said setting the tray down and hurrying to my side. She took my now bruising hand in hers.

“What happened? Are you hurt?” she asked.

I looked into those liquid brown eyes. I pulled her to me and kissed her. I ran my hands through the long dark hair pulling it from her neatly coifed bun. I never wanted anything more than I wanted her at that second. She broke away to take a breath. She smoothed her hair and tilted her head.

“I am on duty in less than an hour, you know.”

“I know,” I said. “I make the schedule.”

She laughed and wrapped her arms around me. I kissed her again, slower. I never wanted her mouth to be away from mine. I unzipped her uniform and walked us to my small bed. We pushed the bolsters to the floor. I remembered her body like it was my own. Each scar. Each dimple in the skin. It was her. I couldn’t help myself from taking her. Then I had to taste her. I wanted to consume her.

When it was over, she leaned onto an elbow. I just stared at her. There were beads of sweat at her hairline and her dark eye makeup was smudged. She slid off the bed and fixed her uniform. My gaze followed her across my cabin. She strode to my sink and re-pinned her hair and ran a finger under her lower eye lid in an attempt to mend her mascara. I put myself to rights and stood behind her. We made eye contact in the mirror and my eyes misted again.

She turned around. “Chris,” she said touching my face. “What is the matter?”

I couldn’t answer her. I just felt her soft cheek against my knuckle.

“Your hand,” she said taking my hand into hers. It was black and blue now. She kissed my palm. I reached for her.

“Not now,” she said with a smile. “I have to go back to my quarters and try to make myself presentable. We have diplomats arriving this afternoon, and you have to inspect engineering.”

I took another step towards her. She rounded the table and picked up some of the breakfast she brought for me. She took a few bites.

“I will see you later, OK?” she said making her way to the door. I grasped her arm and spun her around. I ran my thumb across her lips pulling her mouth open a little.

“Yes, you will,” I said and kissed her again.

I took a step backwards. The floor started to feel unstable, and my vision started to grow fuzzy. I licked the apple taste off my lips before falling into oblivion.


	4. The Keeper

I awoke inside the cabin. I was situated on a long sofa under an open window. The redwood walls allowed tiny bits of light to enter between the slats. The floor was the same color as the entire structure, and the décor was a midcentury rustic, maybe that’s the name for the kind of furnishings from my youth. It was a jarring shift from my quarters on the _Enterprise_ to this place.

I blinked a few times. I still had her taste in my mouth. Her scent in my memory. I sat up and looked at my clothes. My gold uniform was gone. I was back in denim and cotton; my boots on the floor next to me. I rolled my eyes in disgust and in despair. I was just there. I just had her in my arms. We were safe on the ship. Losing her again was more than I could comprehend, but I needed to find my bearings. Was there a purpose to these shifts or were they random?

The more I thought about it, each time shift took me to a place and time in my life, a time that was meaningful. Sometimes the details were a little off, like the color of my cadet uniform, but overall, these Talosian bastards had me figured out. They knew how to push my more buried emotions to the front of my mind. My only question remained—how could I keep them out of my head? And why did they want me to stay _here_? In this cabin. As much as I wanted to forget, this place was a part of me too.

This cabin was a replica of one my family had in Mojave. We would go there each summer. I would ride my horses and go fishing with my father. It was an idyllic time for me. This should be a place of comfort. Instead, it was a prison. It was a beautiful cage.

I pulled on my boots and strode out the front door. I stood up straight and squared my shoulders. I looked towards the clearing, and there was Vina standing next to a smaller alien with a terribly large head. I walked towards them. Vina was cowering. A few tears stained her face. The Talosian just stood there.

“So these are the bastards you were telling me about, Vina. The Talosians?”

The large-headed being stared at me. Its eyes bulged, and its face pinched. Then I noticed the head was moving. The visible veins started move under the skin.

“You have seen us before, Captain,” the voice was tinny and high-pitched. “We lured your ship here with a false image of a crash sight. That is where you first saw this specimen.”

The Talosian pushed Vina in front of it. She stumbled and stood on shaky legs and wobbly ankles.

“I don’t recall any crash site,” I said. “And I am not interested in any of your lies, Keeper.”

The Keeper just stood there with its dull eyes and metallic robe fluttering in the gentle breeze. The air was light and soft.

“We endeavor to treat our specimens with respect and offer them comfort,” The Keeper said. “See, we have given you this female specimen.”

The Talosian pointed at Vina with a long finger. Vina just hugged herself and tried to look away. I found her eyes, and I felt compassion for her. She was so beautiful with lovely, radiant skin. Her blonde hair and blue eyes were traits I always found attractive in women, but if these Talosians wanted me attracted to Vina why bring up every other relationship I ever really had? It didn’t make much sense. She, lovely as she was, might prove to be a danger to me.

“Why do you put me into different memories? “ I asked ‘If you want me to stay here with Vina?”

The head bubbled and moved as the Talosian spoke.

“We want all our specimens happy, so if there is a different female, or male, you prefer, we can alter this reality,” the Keeper said.

Rage grew inside me. I balled my hands at my sides and walked forward. I wanted to throttle the small, large headed being. I had no other thoughts. I only wanted to punch the big brain. The Keeper seemed stunned when my hand grazed its cheek for the first punch. The Keeper was able to erect a small force field around itself. My next attacks were impotent.

“Now Captain,” the Keeper said. “Violence is not the answer. We are only attempting to learn from you.”

“Let me go, and I will contact my ship, and we can work out arrangements for further education about Earth and humanity. That is part of our mission—making contact with new worlds,” I said.

A sly smile passed over the Keeper’s face. A distant sound rang through the trees. It was mechanical and out of place here. And with that, the alien was gone.

Vina sank to the ground and cried. Large sobs rang from her small frame. Tears rolled in long lines on her face.

“It’s OK,” I said standing near her.

She shook her head.

“No,” she said. “They know that you know something that can keep them our of your mind. They are going to test their theory. That means they will be taking you from me soon. I can’t bear it when you go.”

She cried harder. As much as I hated to admit it, the tears were working. I kneeled down and put my arm around her shoulders and helped her to stand.

“Let’s go inside,” I said. “It looks like it might rain.”

Vina blinked and looked at the clouds above us. No storm clouds in sight. She opened her mouth to ask questions about the weather. I put one finger to her lips and let her open the front door. I followed at her heels.

I closed the door and moved into the kitchen. I found a glass and a pitcher of water. I poured Vina some and took the glass to her. She wrapped both hands around her glass and took a few sips. I opened a few cabinets just to see, and they even knew what liquor to have on hand. Irish whiskey stood among a few other choices. I opened the bottle and poured myself a little more than I should drink. I took a few sips and make my way back to Vina.

“Feeling better?” I asked.

Vina nodded. I took the almost empty glass from her and set it on the rough, wooden floor. She stopped crying, but her face was red and puffy. I took a full swig of my drink.

“I’m going to stay on this sofa tonight, as long as I am not forced into another time shift,” I said. Vina just nodded. She made no sound as she walked to the back of the cabin and opened a door. A bedroom lie on the other side of the door. She crossed the threshold and shut the door.

I deliberately walked to the sofa and stretched out. I didn’t bother removing my boots.


	5. The Voyage Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike leaves Talos IV

The bridge of the _Discovery_ was a symphony of well-rehearsed movements. Each officer knew their part and executed their duty without error and without too much interference from anyone. Second in command, First Officer Saru sat in the chair and asked for updates at appropriate intervals. Saru was anything but untimely.

“Burnham, anything to report?” he asked.

Michael Burnham checked her station and double-checked a PADD in front of her.

“Nothing, yet sir,” she said. “We are going to try to boost the scans and maybe use the spore drive to jump if we find even the slightest anomaly,” she added.

“Keep me updated on the hour,” he said.

Burnham just folded her hands around the PADD and went back to her station. She ran multiple computations and tried to get a fix on Captain Pike’s position yet again. Stamets and Tilly reported to her station, but both left with nothing really to add. The mood was solemn. It was starting to feel like the _Discovery_ might lose yet another captain, but no one wanted to admit it. The running clock on the view screen kept the time. It was 48 hours since they last had contact with Captain Pike.

“Yes, Admiral” Saru said as he closed the open channel.

“Our orders are to hold position and keep searching with long range sensors. More help is on the way,” Saru said to the bridge crew.

The officers nodded and returned to work.

“We won’t leave him behind,” Burnham said. Saru nodded his agreement, but his finger tapping signaled his nervousness about the situation.

I woke up with a sore back and neck pain from sleeping on the lumpy sofa. I pushed myself up and tried to stretch. The basic movement helped me work circulation into my sore muscles. I stood up and tried to take stock of my situation. I had no way of knowing where I was or how long I had been gone. The last thing I remember was being in a shuttlecraft. If the Talosians can make me relive memories or play house with Vina, they probably have camouflaged the shuttle somewhere; they don’t seem too interested in technology. Their life is truly one of the mind.

At some level, I could respect that. The intellectual pursuits interested me too, but without context or experience or even the attempt to break free of habitual thoughts, it was almost a futile situation, however.

I scanned the cabin. No sign of Vina anywhere, but there was food—a full breakfast with eggs, bacon, and coffee on the hearth. I found the bathroom and cleaned up a little. Still no Vina. I ate what I could and drank a little coffee. Then I started walking. I found the seam I had noticed earlier. It was a tiny shard of pixilation that let me know that I was in a simulation. I ran my hand across the air where the flicker appeared. It was solid. There was a wall behind that ever-present blue sky.

I punched at the seam. I heard a crack. Nothing changed visually, but with my hand I could feel the opening. I pushed my way through and found an enclosure, like a zoo’s. It was carved out of rock. There was a glass partition and a sliding door for feeding me, I suppose. I turned around, and the cabin and the sky were both gone. I stood alone in the cage.

“What do you want,” I said, projecting my voice as loudly as I could without yelling.

“I demand to return to my ship.”

The Keeper appeared from behind a small wall to my left. The Keeper almost floated when it walked. The Keeper’s large, bulbous head was moving—the veins pulsating beneath the flesh made me want to retch.

“You are in no position to demand anything,” The Keeper said stoically.

“I will not play your game any longer,” I replied. “If I am here to entertain you, then, Keeper, you can forget it. You can just kill me or release me.”

I crossed my arms and sat on the small seat in my cage.

The Keeper came closer to the partition. It seemed to have compassion in its beady eyes.

“We want you to be happy. This is not a prison. It is your home, or it could be,” The Keeper said. "It will be in time."

I pushed against the partition, and it evaporated. I came tumbling out of the cage. I rolled on the floor and ended up at The Keeper’s feet.

The Keeper looked down at me and offered me a hand. I took it. I was on my feet towering over the large-headed being.

“Do you have a name,” I asked.

The Keeper did not answer at first. Then, the veins under the skin began to move again. Seeing them this close made my stomach turn again.

“We do not have names as you do,” The Keeper said. “But I am the magistrate of Talos IV, and I am what you would call a male.”

I decided to treat this as a first-contact situation. I went to tug at my uniform only to see that it was in fact there. My communicator was in my pocket and my phaser was in the holster.

“Well, Magistrate, I would like to discuss how the Federation can open talks with your people, but first I need to return to my ship.”

“There is no need Captain. We are not interested in joining your Federation or meeting with any of your people. You will, in time, need our assistance. We will be here until then.”

Within a breath, I was on the surface of the planet. It was a barren wasteland, except for the tiny blue flowers that tinkled in the breeze. I walked about ten steps to my left and there was my shuttle. I jogged to the outside and pressed the hatch. It hissed open. A little steam surrounded the hatch door. I walked up the ramp and turned to close it, and she was there.

“Chris,” Vina said. “Please don’t go.”

I took her outstretched hand in mine. I looked into her eyes. They were filled with tears that hadn’t spilt over.

“Vina,” I said gently. “Why don’t you come with me? I am sure we can find you quarters on _Discovery_ and further lodgings on a Starbase.”

The tears fell. She withdrew her hand and wrapped her arms around her torso.

“I can’t go with you,” she said. “Please stay with me. Stay here where you are safe, where we can be together.”

I twisted a piece of her long blond hair between my fingers. I felt a bond with her that was unclear but very real.

“Who are you?” I asked. “Why do I feel so drawn to you?”

“I am whoever you need me to be,” Vina said.

“That’s not an answer, “ I replied and walked to the console to see if the shuttle was able to fly. A warm hum of the engine ignited at the flick of a switch. I turned to her, and she wiped a few tears away. She ran her finger under her eyelid. The small movement seemed so mindless at first, like a reflex, but it was something she always did. I froze and stared at Vina.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

She reached up and pulled me close. Our bodies became entwined. With each movement, with each touch, all I wanted was her. I was under her spell. I ran my hands around her feminine figure for a moment. It was as though I knew this body. I put my hands under her dress, and her skin felt warm and soft. The kisses felt familiar. My longing for her burned deeper within me. I pulled her dress over her head. I took a step back to catch my breath, and it was her, not Vina. The purple dress was a red Starfleet uniform in a puddle on the floor.

“How can this be?” I asked. “How can you be here? You died. I saw you die on the mission to Rigel VII. I held you.” I put my head in my hands and shook with emotion. She came closer to me and offered an outstretched arm. I could not resist. I had to touch her, to see if she was real. She ran her fingers across my cheek wiping my hot tears away.

“I’m always here,” she said kissing the places the tears had been moments ago.

I kissed her again. This time the desperation inside me made all my muscles ache. I had to have her. It didn’t matter if she were real or not. There was barely room for the two of us in the cockpit, but we managed. We always managed.

My heart felt light. I turned to speak to her.

“I need to get back to my ship now,” I said. “She’s a beauty. You will love her. I am sure we can find you a place in engineering.”

She nodded her head no. Her dark hair tangled from our lovemaking. I wrapped a long strand around my finger and kissed it.

“I can’t Chris,” she said.

I put my hand on her cheek. I started to protest. She put a long finger against my lips. I took a breath and blinked. Suddenly, it was Vina before me. Her blonde hair was in the same state. Her lips puffy and raw from our kisses. Her body glowed from our heat. I let go of her hair.

She sat up and reached for her clothes. The uniform I saw earlier was back to Vina’s purple dress. I stood up and pressed myself into the wall behind me. It was obvious that Vina was the only woman on this planet and in my head. She turned around and opened the hatch. I watched her naked frame leave the shuttle.

“Vina, wait!” I called after her. But by the time I reached the hatch door, she was gone. I closed the hatch. I tidied up my appearance.

There was something seriously wrong with me or this planet. It had been almost 7 years since I lost her on Rigel, and it was clear that I hadn’t forgotten her. All my dreams were about her. No wonder I never could find anyone else. No one could replace her. But she died, and here on Talos IV she lives. I could still taste her on my lips as I prepared for takeoff.

“Pike to _Discovery_ ,” I said into the shuttle’s communication system. The system crackled a little, and a few moments later a most welcome sound came through the system.

“ _Discovery_ here, Captain. Good to hear your voice.”

“Thanks Saru,” I replied. I sank back into the chair relieved.

“Let’s rendezvous in the Orion system,” I said. “I am sending you my coordinates now.”

“Coordinates received, Captain. That is only three hours from our present location. If you would like to just wait, we can be there shortly,” Saru replied.

“No thanks, Saru.” I said. “I need to put some distance between me and Talos IV.”

“We will meet you in the Orion system in 22 hours,” Saru said.

“Copy that,” I said. “Pike out.”


	6. With or Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike pilots a shuttle back to Discovery, but the Talosians are still messing with him.

“Computer,” I said and a few tiny beeps acknowledged my commands by opening up the navigation screen to my right. I cleared my throat and pinched the bridge of my nose. Regret and grief wanted to spill from my eyes. I had to clamp that all down and return to _Discovery_.

I tried to focus. I put my hands on the controls. I squared my shoulders and looked at my insignia. I was a Starfleet captain. It was about time I started to act like it.

I readied the pilot’s station and began the take-off protocols. Without a navigator, I would have to pilot the ship myself—with the computer’s aid of course. I was a test pilot in my youth. I was used to many hours alone in a cockpit. It felt natural and real. I was craving both of those things currently with all this fantasy here on Talos IV. It was beyond time that I leave.

“Set a course for the Orion system,” I said.

The navigation screen flashed some text and a star chart flashed by, and then the screen glowed green.

“Course laid in,” the not-so-friendly computer voice said.

I engaged the thrusters, and my shuttle lifted off the ground. Spaceflight never got old. I watched the surface of the planet grow fainter and fainter as I entered the atmosphere. I sighed. Again, the feelings I tried to wall off started to come crashing through. It was almost hard to leave.

“She is not there,” I said. “She’s dead.”

I sat still for a moment before entering the command to engage the engines, or to “Hit it,” I liked to say when in better humor.

“She is working her magic on you, Chris. Forget it. Forget this place,” I said rubbing my hands down my face.

“Bro, you need to chill.” The sound of his voice startled me. I dropped my hands so fast that I knocked over the beer in front of me.

“Noel. Noel Carter?” I asked.

I just looked at him. He was there across the table from me. He was young maybe 18-Earth-years old. He was as I remembered him. He was the first and only Ladisome in Starfleet. He Loved astrophysics, while I hated it. He was always looking for a hook-up—I didn’t have a serious relationship until right before graduation. We were opposites but good friends.

“Pfffft,” Noel spit out his beer as he bent over laughing.

“Chris. Chris Pike? Is that you?” he scoffed. “Are you that drunk already because I am?” he plopped his head on the tabletop with a thud.

The shuttlecraft was gone. I felt woozy and silly. All responsibilities were far away, and I almost felt OK about it. I smiled and took his beer and downed it in one gulp.

“No, I am not,” we both laughed and were clearly both pretty drunk. At least I was vertical.

I looked down and the floor and noticed the hem of my red uniform pants and the shiny pair of boots I was wearing. I had shifted enough in time while on Talos IV to know that this was not real, but I wasn’t on Talos IV anymore. I was confused and also happy. Were they now able to control my feelings as well as make me play out fantasies for their amusements? I couldn’t focus on those thoughts. I was being pulled into this moment. I went willingly.

“Noel, Noel,” I shook his shoulder; his face still planted on the table. He opened his eyes with a start.

“Were you sleeping?” I asked.

“No, dude. I was just resting. I have a few more people I want to hit on tonight!” he said with his bright eyes twinkling. He bolted upright and shook his head.

“How many have shot you down so far?” I asked.

“Only 10, “ he said. “That’s a good night for me. And since we Ladisomes are omnisexual, I have all the choices.” He just laughed again and waved his arm across the crowd to our left. There they were. My Starfleet classmates. Some were friends. Some would become crewmates. They were young and free. Many were dancing and smiling. I tried to smile too.

“Noel, what is the Stardate?” I asked.

He fell out of his chair with a thud and a full-on guffaw, as my grandmother would say. I helped him up.

“Chris,” he said. “Please go get laid. I can’t take any more of this tonight.” He stood up and walked away.

I drank another beer that was on the table and stood up to leave. I found my hat in the chair next to mine. I found a few Federation credits to leave as a tip in my pocket. I looked at the geolocator on my PADD to see where I was.

It said I was on the corner of Mojave and California.

I blinked a few times.

”That can’t be right,” I said to myself.

“What can’t be,” she answered.

“Oh, I am sorry,” I said. “I was just thinking out loud.”

She just smiled. I remembered her.

“Penny? Penny Hewson, right?” I asked.

Those amber eyes lit up and she said, “Yes, that’s right.”

“Please, sit down,” I gestured to Noel’s empty seat.

“I thought you were leaving,” she said nodding towards the empty pint glasses and tip on the table.

“I was, I mean..” I stammered. “My buddy left me for .. well..” I tilted my head in Noel’s direction. He was dirty dancing with a bunch of cadets in the middle of the dance floor.

Penny just laughed.

“Noel does love to have a good time,” she said.

“You know him?” I asked.

“Oh, yes. We are in astrophysics together,” she added.

“Ahh, well. That has never been my subject,” I said.

Penny smiled. She put her hand on top of mine.

“Want to dance?” she said.

I looked up into those eyes. Her dark blue hair falling in waves across her shoulders looked so beautiful. So inviting.

“Sure,” I replied after waiting to hear the track change. It was no longer a sultry fast-moving beat, but a slower, more intimate one.

“I’m not much of a dancer,” I said.

She took me by the arm. I placed the PADD and my hat back down and followed her to a corner of the floor. I wrapped my arms around her waist. It was not as awkward as I had expected it to be. Because, this version of Chris Pike was definitely unsure and inexperienced.

I could almost see myself from my adult version in the present looking at this scene while my younger self played the part. The strain was too much on my mind, however. My younger self started to buckle. I let go from the present. And he kept dancing.

I touched Penny’s hair bringing it to my lips. She smiled and put her head on my shoulder.

“Where are you from,” I asked.

“I am from Rigel VII,” she said.

My eyebrows raised a little, like a passing thundercloud in my mind. I knew that location was significant, but I couldn’t figure it out. It was like trying to catch mist.

“Have you been there before?” she asked.

“Oh, no.” I replied. “I think that I had a bit of recollection of something about your homeworld but I was not able to remember. Must be the beer!” I laughed.

Penny just smiled wider. We danced and moved closer to each other with each step. Soon, we were pressed skin to skin where our uniforms allowed. I never felt such bliss before.

Her communicator started to chirp.

“Hold that thought,” she said as she flipped it open. “Hewson here,” she said while standing at attention.

“Please report to the astrometrics lab, cadet. Your experiment is coming online,” Becker out.

She closed the communicator with one hand, and shoved it into her pocket with the other.

“I have to go, Chris,” she said in a whisper. I nodded.

“Just one thing,” I said. I swung her around and pulled her close and kissed her. It was a kiss that felt like breaking the warp barrier for the first time.

She squeezed my shoulders before breaking away. She pecked the tip of my nose and winked.

“You are cute,” she said. “And the rumors about you are most definitely not true.”

“Wh—What?” I said.

“Yeah, you know. The ones that say Chris Pike can never love anything as much as he loves Starfleet.” She scrunched her nose in a teasing smile.

“I’ll see you around,” she said as she marched out of the club.

“Dude, she’s hot,” Noel said. I blinked and turned to my right. And Noel was standing at my elbow with his hat and mine.

“It’s time to go,” he said as he handed me the hat. I touched the rim and suddenly found myself back in the pilot’s seat of the shuttle. My head was pressed on the console. My hands at my sides.

I shook my head.

“Computer, report,” I barked.

“En route to Orion system. ETA 12 hours.”

“I don’t know if I can survive another 12 hours of this,” I said.

The computer started rambling emergency procedures.

“Computer, silence,” I said. I headed to the replicator and punched in a request for some black coffee. It appeared in a swirl of light. I stood there with the cup in one hand and the other holding the wall of the shuttle.

“I think I will need a full eval from Dr.Culber when I return to _Discovery_.”

“Affirmative,” the computer voice replied.

I just tilted my head back and laughed. It was a real laugh and it felt good.


	7. All Roads Lead to Where You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike is back on The Discovery and decides to confide in Dr. Culber about his experiences on Talos IV.

“Begin scanning for Captain Pike’s shuttle,” Saru said.

_The Discovery_ bridge crew complied and soon, on the main viewer, the shuttle appeared.

“Lt. Detmer,” Saru said. “Bring us about.”

“Lt. Bryce open a channel to the shuttle,” Saru asked.

“Aye,” Bryce said as the channel came online.

“ _Discovery_ to Captain Pike,” Saru said. “Come in please.”

“Pike here,” his voice was strong and clear.

“Sir, it is good to have you nearby,” Saru said.

Pike turned on his viewscreen and smiled at all the happy faces on the Bridge.

“I am ready to dock,” he said. “Permission to come on board,” Pike added with a wink.

“Of course, sir,” Saru said. “Shuttlebay one, prepare for Captain Pike’s approach.”

“See you in a minute,” Pike said and switched off the viewer.

I rubbed my temples with both hands. I had to keep smiling and playing the role of a Starfleet Captain, I thought. I can’t show this weakness, this crack in my character. I balled my hand into a fist and punched the console as I brought the shuttle about. I had the landing gear deployed and ready, and within two minutes, I was through the barrier and on the main shuttlebay floor. The hiss of the hatch opening was a welcome sound. I stepped out into a force-field perimeter circle. Dr. Culber met me with his kind smile and tricorder.

“It is just protocol,” Culber said.

I nodded. I understood that I needed to be cleared by medical personal before the force field could be lowered. I took in the crew. Saru and Burnham stood at attention with concern in their eyes. Tilly, my secret favorite member of the command training program, just smiled and waved. I could not help but be happy to see them too.

“Everything checks out, Captain,” Culber said.

“Lower the force-field containment,” Saru said.

With that, the blue wall of sparkles and light disappeared and I walked with an outstretched hand to my first officer.

“Thank you, Mr. Saru, for taking such great care of the ship and crew,” I said.

Saru just nodded.

“Well, let’s get back to work,” I slapped Saru on the back and started to walk.

“Excuse me Captain,” Culber said. “Protocol demands that you have at minimum 24 hours rest and a full scan in the medbay.”

I winced and opened my mouth to protest.

“I concur with the doctor,” Saru said.

“We also want to run some scans on the shuttle, “Burnham added.

“I’ll help,” Tilly said running over to the shuttle.

“All right, I will get some shut eye,” I said with a sigh.

I walked out the shuttlebay with Saru on my right and Dr. Culber on my left.

“I am interested in reading your report, Captain,” Saru said.

“I am too,” I laughed.

“Captain, if you will come with me,” Culber said.

“Sure thing,” I replied.

“See you tomorrow, Captain Pike,” Saru said and headed toward the turbolift to the bridge.

I stopped near a junction point and motioned to Dr. Culber to come closer.

“Doctor is there any way you can do the scans in my quarters? I am tired and don’t feel up to the medbay right now,” I asked.

“I guess that could work,” Culber replied. “But I am concerned about some of the readings. I think spending the night under observation would be the best course of action.”

“Walk with me, please” I semi-ordered.

Culber matched my steps, and we traversed _Discovery_ ’s blue-tinted hallways. I nodded and smiled to all the crew. I needed to show strength and resolve. I had to show them, and me, that I was OK and back home. Their captain was up to the job.

At my door, I stopped for a second.

“Will you have a drink with me Doctor?” I asked.

Culber looked concerned, but took a breath and smiled broadly.

“Sure, Captain,” he said.

I opened the door, and we walked through together. I was so relieved that the door actually opened to the place I wanted to go. I did not get caught in some time-loop from my past. I opened a bottle of whiskey that had been standing on my small table for a while; it was a gift from Admiral Cornwall.

“Whiskey?” I asked Culber.

He nodded. I poured amber liquid into two glasses. Dr. Culber sat down and balanced his drink on his knee. I stood by the window. I could stand there for hours watching the starts. I turned to Dr. Culber and swallowed the whole shot in one gulp.

“Ahh.” I said. I took a breath and sat on the small sofa opposite him.

“What I need to say will not make any sense. I just need to say it. I think I am …,” I stumbled and could not complete my thought.

“Captain,” Culber started. I cut him off with a swish of my hand.

“Please, call me Chris,” I asked. “What we have to discuss is something I can only tell a friend.”

“Chris,” Culber continued gently. “Physically, there are some issues with the frontal lobe section of your brain. It is off the charts with activity. There are many reasons for this, and none are too serious. That is why you might not be feeling yourself right now. I think you will be feeling much better soon,” he said. 

Culber sipped his drink, and I stood and poured myself another.

“Well, I might be able to explain some of it,” I said taking another swig from the fresh glass. “But I first have to tell you what happened on Rigel VII, about Allison. Allison Sanchez, the _Enterprise_ ’s chief engineer.”

Culber set his still-full-glass down on the table to his right. His eyes showed worry.

“What happened to Allison,” he said.

My eyes started to cloud with tears. I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“She died,” I said.

Culber just nodded with genuine empathy and care.

“We had a mission to Rigel VII, and it went all wrong. I lost even more crew that day. But Allison … we … I mean… I had a relationship. Truth be told, I wanted to marry her, but she would never agree to the concept. We tried to keep it discreet, but I am sure the crew knew,” I ran my hand through my hair. “I really loved her, you know,” I said.

“Love can be the best feeling in the world,” Culber said. “And it is OK to grieve when it is no longer here physically. But you can still love her.”

I blinked the tears away again, and turned my focus back to my now empty glass.

“So, here is where it gets weird,” I said.

Culber just maintained a steady, reassuring presence.

“It’s been seven years now, and well, there hasn’t been anyone else, really,” I said. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

“It is natural,” Culber said.

“I tried a few times,” I said shaking my head.

Culber sat up straight and put on a more doctor-like demeanor for a second: “How are you feeling now, since we are here, in your quarters?”

“I am feeling like I can assume my role as ship’s captain, if that is what you are asking,” I replied.

“No, that is not my concern. You are one of the best captains in the fleet. That is not up for debate,” Culber replied. “I am just wondering if you see any connections between what happened on Rigel VIl and our current situation. I mean,” he paused. “Do you think this relates to your recent time off _Discovery_ and the issues with your brain activity,” he asked.

I stood up and poured another drink. I paced around for a moment. I had to trust someone. I had to tell this story—the whole story.

“Yes, Allison was a reoccurring thought while I was on Talos IV. I thought I saw her. I held her, loved her, smelled her, tasted her. It was all just a trick of the mind.” I took a deep breath. “I think I am …” I stopped talking again and stood up.

“What happened on Talos IV, Chris?” Culber asked motioning me to sit back down. He sat forward and gave me a reassuring smile. I sat down. I placed the glass on the side table.

“I don’t remember how I got there” I said. “I was en route to the Orion system for our mission.” I paused and ran my hand down my knee. “It was a cage of some kind. I woke in a fantasy world ripped from my own memories. These Talosians wanted to keep me as a zoo specimen. They wanted me to relive my life with another woman playing the roles of the few closest to me. They wanted me,” I cleared my throat, “to mate with their female specimen. I think they want to create more humans,” I said.

It was a weight lifted. I told the story. The words came out. I was still on _Discovery_. Nothing happened.

Culber sat back and took a breath.

“How did you escape?” he asked.

“Escape was actually pretty easy,” I laughed. “I just punched one of the aliens in the head and said I wouldn’t play their games anymore.” Culber smiled and gave me a little laugh. “But part of my mind still feels like it is being made to relive other memories—ones beyond Allison,” I said. “Is there some kind of telepathic link that you can see in the scan?” I asked.

“No, there is no evidence that any alien is sending you any messages. I did full panels and kept you in the quarantine a little longer than needed. I honestly didn’t see anything besides the active brain images we talked about,” he said.

“Well, maybe we need to bring Saru up to speed and get me to a Starbase for observation or something, “ I said.

Culber stood up and crossed the small space. He sat down next to me.

“Chris, I don’t think that is needed at this time,” he said calmly. “Maybe these memories just need to be experienced. Maybe you need to remember her and whatever else you were recalling on Talos VI. Sometimes that is the first step in dealing with grief—actually remembering those we have lost rather than trying to go on without them.”

I looked across the room at the blank wall. I hadn’t really decorated my quarters. There was nothing of me in there. I stopped making homes after I lost her, I guess. I slapped my hands on the tops of my legs and stood up. I reached a hand towards Culber and he shook it. I placed my left hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

“Thanks, Dr. Culber,” I said.

“Anytime, Captain Pike,” he replied.

“Check in with me in the medbay at 0800,” he added as the doors hissed open as he approached them to leave.

“Will do,” I replied.

I headed towards my bed. I didn’t bother turning down the covers or removing my jacket or boots. I just fell into the regulation-level softness and had a dreamless sleep.


	8. A Beautiful Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Pike is back on the Discovery and still figuring it all out...Bonus points for anyone who sees The Witcher reference! :-)

Walking from my quarters to the medbay didn’t take long. I was actually a little early. Dr. Culber welcomed me.

“Good morning, Captain Pike,” he said. “Please, come with me.”

I flashed my best smile to all the crew and staff in the medbay. I nodded and offered a few “Good mornings” along the way to a more private area. It was Dr. Culber’s office. Culber sat in the chair behind a workstation. I took the chair opposite.

“Well, doctor,” I started, “Anything new to report on those scans?”

Dr. Culber just smiled his best worried smile.

“No, sir, nothing else.” But he quickly added, “I would like to run a few more diagnostics however.”

I stood up. “Ok, let’s get it done,” I said.

“I would rather do the work in here, if that is OK with you,” Culber added. “We are almost full in the bay with the recent Temerian flu outbreak, and I think it would be easier to just stay here.”

I cocked an eyebrow.

“Temerian flu outbreak,” I said quizzically. “Why wasn’t I informed,” I added.

“Sir, it is pretty routine after picking up supplies and personnel. It takes about 48 hours to appear and generally only impacts those with direct contact with infected persons,” he added. “We have this under control; all will be back to their stations before midday,” he stated flatly.

I tried to read his face—to look under the façade of the doctor. What was he saying exactly?

“Are you sure that you just don’t want me to be in there,” I pointed towards the open medbay.

Culber sighed.

“Captain,” he started. “I want to ensure your privacy, of course, but I also need you to be honest about a few things. When you are with the crew, you are the ‘captain,’ here I need you to be Christopher Pike so that I can better diagnose and help. That’s all,” he said.

It was true. I was trying so hard to be who I was, that I often felt like I was forgetting who I am, was, maybe?

“Fair enough,” I said.

Culber stood up and pulled a small cart with equipment towards me. The flashing lights and random sounds were over fairly quickly. Then Culber turned on a screen behind his workstation and stood near the information flashing across the dark blue background.

“Captain,” he pointed to the front of an image of a human brain, “if you see here, this is the typical state for a human brain.”

I walked closer and observed. It was busy—neurons were firing and dots and such peppered the image.

“Ok, I said.”

“This is your brain,” he said and flashed another image.

The image was of a brain like the other, but the dots and connections were almost all alight at the same time. It was almost 100 times busier than the other one.

“What does this mean,” I asked.

“I am not sure, Captain,” he said. “But you are processing information at an accelerated rate. It is like your memories and your reality are happening at the same time for you. And with this much activity, you can’t be sleeping well. I honestly don’t think there is anything serious. The scans show no other anomalies. I do think that experiencing painful memories and the stress of captivity can all play a role here,” he smiled empathically. “I would like to keep you off duty for 24 more hours, just to be safe,” he added.

“Unacceptable,” I yelled and paced towards the door.

“Captain,” he said calmly, “I have the authority to relieve you of duty. I am not doing that. All I am asking for is 24 more hours. I have briefed Saru, and he concurs with me. Work on the shuttle continues. We are in a holding pattern waiting for the Admiral. All is well,” he said clearly.

I looked at the floor for a moment. I knew he was right. I was so driven to figure out the signals to find Spock, that I was willing to risk my own life. It is the job of a Starfleet Captain to do this, but I can’t risk my crew.

“Agreed,” I said like I had a choice in the matter. I took long strides out of the office. I again smiled and winked at all the recovering crew. “Feel better soon,” I added as the doors hissed open and then closed behind me. I kept up the same pace back to my quarters.

“Captain,” a happy voice called from behind me.

I turned around to see the radiant smile of Sylvia Tilly. She had her voluminous red hair in a pony tail, and she moved so much as she talked that her hair had a life of its own.

“It is so great that you are back on board. We missed you so much, and I have been helping Michael, I mean Commander Burnham, with the shuttle. And it looks like there are a few things you might be interested in looking at. We found some damage to the systems…Do you want that report now or do you want me to have it sent to your console on the bridge,” she finally took a breath.

Tilly was the heart of the crew. Everyone, including me, really liked her. She tried hard to please and was smarter than most of my graduating class. I looked her in the eye. She blushed and turned away. I chuckled.

“Is the information on that PADD,” I gestured to the device she held.

“Oh yes, Captain, it is!” she offered the PADD to me.

“I can just take it with me. I am going to my quarters to finish my report. I can look at it there,” I added. “As you were, ensign,” I said as I turned around and kept walking.

Tilly just dipped her head and then turned around and headed the opposite direction.

A few minutes later, my door hissed open. I tossed the PADD down on my workstation as I walked to my window. I looked at my reflection in the glass. My outline against the stars was always a moment of reverie for me. I never found that situation to be mundane. It was always sublime. I touched the glass. It was cold. I pulled my hand away, and strode to my replicator.

“Coffee, black,” I said. Then I added, “Oatmeal with brown sugar and butter.”

The swirl of light first produced the coffee. I picked up the mug. Seconds later, a bowl of oatmeal appeared. I took both to my workstation, and opened up my log files. I needed to review the dates so that I could begin my now late report. There was a shadow, however, on my screen. It was dark in my quarters with only the standard running lights on the floorboards and a thin glow from the small lights above my sink.

“Computer,” I asked, “Lights, full illumination.”

The room glowed with a brightness I was not quite ready for. And from the shadow, Vina appeared.

I dropped my mug. Coffee spilled over the side of the workstation, on the PADD, on my uniform.

“Shit,” I said.

She just approached me. Each tiny step felt like doom approaching. How could she be here?

“Chris,” she said. “Come back to Talos IV, please.” She was back in the purple, or blue, dress that I tore. It was whole again. And purple. Her eyes and hair were the same, and those curves begged for my touch. I swallowed hard.

“Security,” I called. The communications chirp acknowledged my message. “Yes, Captain.”

“Have any new people or equipment come aboard in the last 24 hours?” I asked.

“No, sir,” was the reply.

“Thank you. I am just filling in my reports and I am a day behind,” I said trying to sound natural.

“Security out.”

I turned my attention back to Vina.

“You are not here,” I said.

“No, I am not,” she replied.

“Then, what. Why. Why are you bothering me? I have work to do. A mission to complete,” I looked away from her gaze.

“I want to save you from the mission. Please, please return. We can keep you safe,” she said.

“I will never sit out another war again,” I replied. “If this mission claims my life, so be it,” I added. “Please leave. I do not want to see you again,” I added.

She approached.

“But you see me all the time, don’t you? I inhabit your dreams, your waking desires,” she ran her hand down the front of my uniform. “I’m a part of you,” she added with a squeeze.

I stepped back from her touch.

“I don’t want this. I don’t want you,” I said. “This ship, this crew, this is my duty. When I return to the _Enterprise_ , that will be my duty, my family. I want no other life. My personal life is well personal, and I don’t want anyone in it,” I added.

She turned around and walked through my cabin. She touched the sofas and the glass where I had just stood. She languidly approached my bed.

“Looks like a cold and lonely life to me,” she added.

“It is the life I have chosen. I will not live in a cage,” I added.

“This looks like a closed room to me,” she said before vanishing.

I picked up a towel and removed the spilled coffee from the workstation and PADD. I found a clean uniform and changed. I headed to the sink to splash some water on my face. I looked into the mirror, and her eyes found mine there.

“Morning, Chris,” she said.


	9. Stuck in a Moment (that he can’t get out of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Pike is still not 100%. The Discovery crew helps, YAY! Oh, and there is no Bitchy Vina in this chapter. (Bummer. Next time!) But we learn what happened with Penny. 
> 
> Thank you for all the support!!

Dr. Culber reported to Saru on the Bridge. He brought only one small PADD in his hand and a worried look on his face.

“Commanders Burnham and Nhan, you are with us,” Saru said. “Lt. Detmer, hold position.”

“Aye, sir,” Detmer said.

Saru, Burnham, and Nhan followed Culber into the ready room. The four officers stood next to Captain Pike’s workstation. They looked at the empty seats, but just remained at attention.

“Dr. Culber,” Saru said. “Any changes in Captain Pike’s condition?”

“I’m sorry to say this,” Culber replied. “But I think it might be getting worse.” With a few flicks on the PADD an image of Captain Pike’s brain swirled in front of the group. “You see that there is even more activity than there was before,” he said.

“What are our options? What is causing this?” Saru said flexing his long fingers back and forth.

“From our work on the shuttlecraft, we know that the Captain was on Talos IV. It is clear that he did not go willingly—the burn marks and stress from a strong tractor beam give us these clues,” Burnham said.

“But Talos IV is off limits,” Saru said nervously. "It could mean a death sentence to go there."

“Commander,” Burnham said. “The Captain did not go willingly. He was taken,” she added.

“Of course I would not think that he went of his own accord,” Saru said. “But we have to report this to the admiral.”

“Admiral Cornwall is on the way, true. But she is coming to help us find Spock, not court martial the captain, sir,” Burnham added. “I think we can wait until she arrives to brief her.”

The group agreed.

“Commander Nhan,” Saru now nodded in the Barzon’s direction. Nhan swallowed hard. “Yes, sir,” she said.

“You served with the captain on the _Enterprise_. What can you tell us?” Saru asked.

“I was not with the crew when _Enterprise_ was on Talos IV, but the rumor mill being what it is, I do know a little about it,” she said. “But that mission—or experience---or whatever it is called has been classified at the highest levels of Starfleet.”

“We don’t want you to betray any confidences,” Burnham said. “But a little insight might help Captain Pike.”

Nhan put her arms to her sides and walked around her corner of the space for a second. She balled her fist and punched her open hand.

“I served with Number One,” she said. The group all nodded knowing the first officer of the _Enterprise_ by her penchant for straight talk and friendliness.

“Number One was on the planet when it happened. All she ever said was that the Talosians were enamored with the captain, and that he was a changed man after the events that happened there. That is all I know,” she said.

“We know that the incident on Talos IV happened after the situation on Rigel VII,” Saru said. “Five of Captain Pike’s crew died there, and the captain was gravely injured.”

Culber put his index finger in the air and then touched his nose. “I think that all of this is related.”

“How so doctor?” Saru asked.

“The image of the captain’s brain shows a great deal of activity—here and here—” he pointed to the glowing orb in the center of the room. “But here—” he zoomed in a little closer—“is where memory is stored. This shows me that the captain is having a hard time separating memory from reality at this current moment. There must be some sort of telepathic link with Talos IV, but I am unable to detect it.”

“I can help you there doctor,” Burnham added. The image of a brain changed to the schematics of the shuttlecraft with a few quick movements on Burnham’s PADD.

“See this,” she pointed. It was a faint wave from the shuttle’s hull.

“I think that this signal is being sent to the captain,” she added. “We were still running diagnostics on the signal this morning, but the wave looked like the image you showed us doctor,” Burnham nodded in Culber’s direction. “If we turn off this signal, we should sever the link.”

“Do it,” Saru said. “And Burnham, the Admiral will be wondering about our search for Spock,” he added.

“I’m on it,” Burnham replied.

“Dismissed,” Saru said. “Doctor, one moment.”

“Yes, Saru,” Culber asked.

“Would you like to come with me to talk to the captain?”

“Sure,” he said and tucked the PADD under his arm. The pair walked off the bridge together.

I just stared into her brown eyes in the mirror. I didn’t move or breathe or think. I just took her in.

“Morning, Chris,” she said again.

I turned around to see what looked like Allison Sanchez. She was the same as I knew and loved her. This apparition even smelled like rosewater, her favorite scent.

“I know you are not here, and that you are not her,” I said as calmly as I could muster. “You are some trick sent to drive me into madness.”

She cocked an eyebrow.

“Are you kidding me right now?” she said with a laugh. “It’s me, Allie.”

“Allie, you are dead,” I said stifling a sob. “You died in my arms on Rigel VII. You died before the Klingon war. You died before _Enterprise_ suffered a complete systems failure. You died before we made a life together.”

“What have you done to my engines?” she said.

“You aren’t fooling me, Keeper,” I said. “Yes, I want her. I would give anything to have her back, but this isn’t real. I will not play the romantic hero in your story.”

The specter of Allison Sanchez dissipated. Just then the chime at my door signaled visitors. I crammed the coffee mug an uneaten breakfast back in the replicator before opening the door.

“Captain Pike,” Saru said.

I waved both Saru and Dr. Culber inside.

“Please, gentlemen,” I said, “Have a seat.”

Saru and Dr. Culber sat across from my empty reading chair. I just stood.

“Anything to report?” I said.

“Yes, Captain,” Saru said. “We have found very slight carrier waves from the shuttle. We think that these waves might be the cause of your increased brain activity,” he said.

Dr. Cubler nodded gently.

“Burnham will have the wave dampened shortly,” Saru added.

“Fine,” I said. “I am ready to get back to the bridge.”

“Captain Pike,” Culber said. “We will need re-run today’s scans after the wave is shut off. Just to be sure.”

I sighed.

“Well, I do have some reading to do,” I said motioning to my empty comfortable chair and large stack of books near it.

“And writing it seems,” Saru added pointing towards my workstation. My log reports were clearly visible. “Admiral Cornwall will arrive in a few hours, and I am sure she is looking forward to your report.”

“Agreed. We all have work then. Let’s get to it,” I said.

Both officers took the hint and headed to the door.

“Let me know as soon as Burnham is finished,” I said before they exited.

“Yes, Captain,” replied Saru.

“I’ll be in the medbay when the wave is turned off,” Culber added.

I just nodded as they walked through the door and into the hallway. When the doors hissed closed, I slapped the PADD Tilly gave me off my workstation in a huff. After a moment, I thought better of it and bent down to pick it up. The room went a little blurry. I stood up trying to maintain my balance but I collapsed.

I woke in my room at Starfleet Academy. The sunlight hit my eyes and warmed my skin. I reached for the covers to wish in vain for a few more minutes of sleep by covering my head.

“Hey,” Penny said. “Don’t steal my blanket!”

She was lying next to me, her coppery hair all around her head like a halo.

“Sorry,” I said not sure what to say or do next. We were both piled into my small bunk. Noel was nowhere to be seen, but his messy side of the room was undeniable.

“It’s OK,” she said throwing the blanket off. “I have some work in the lab I need to get to.”

She crossed our small room in a few steps. Her naked body shone in the morning light. She was a vision. My mouth went dry. 

“What is the stardate,” I forced myself to ask. Penny just blinked in my direction.

“It is 10101.44,” she said.

This whole scene was like I remembered it—replayed it in my mind’s eye--over and over again. The false stardate was the clue I needed. One never forgets his first time--or a fake stardate. I stared at the celling. I scanned the perimeters for any pixilation. I saw it. It was the same as on the planet. I stood up and started banging my hands at the small imperfection.

“Chris, Chris, what are you doing?”

I ignored her and kept pushing at the boundary. A flash of a second later, I was on the floor of my quarters.

“Saru to Captain Pike,” the voice over the intercom came through clearly.

I cleared my throat.

“Go ahead commander,” I said from my still face-down position on the floor.

“We have successfully severed the connection from the shuttle. It was a device attached to the outer hull.”

“Vina,” I said.

“Who Captain,” Saru asked.

“No one, Commander. I will be in the shuttlebay shortly,” I said. “Pike out.”


	10. Heart of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is another plot chapter. No love or anything, just moving the story along. More angst to come, however!

I picked up the PADD that Tilly gave me and scrolled through the data on my way to the shuttlebay. The anomalous readings—the wave signal impacting my memories—appeared clear as a California day, but it was masked under a few layers of interference. It looks like Tilly helped solve this mystery. The PADD’s data also showed something else. There was a large download of video images. I clicked through them. It was like a punch in the throat.

There I was with Spock on Talos IV. Vina and the Keeper were there. Number One blasted the mountain top off of the zoo where I was kept. Vina transformed into an older, broken version of herself. I stopped walking for a minute and ducked into a quiet hallway. I placed my hand on the wall and looked at the stars outside the window. It was always calming to look at the stars. Seeing them made me know that I had only a small place in this big story. It helped keep me grounded, even in infinity.

It all started to come back. I remembered the mission to Rigel VII. We were transporting injured to a starbase. The Talosians lured us with a false crash site. Their powers of illusion so strong that none of us were the wiser. We beamed down. We readied the “survivors” for transport, and then I was taken. Number One risked her life for me. She tried to overload a phaser to help me escape. Then there was Vina. I guess I was in love with her. I was so bruised from grief, that it was easy to become lost in her fantasy worlds. There was no pain there. I could forget.

“But why are they trying to lure me back again?” I asked myself. This seems to have ended in a draw. “Why now?”

I resumed walking and ran into Lt. Commander Stamets.

“Captain Pike,” he said. “We are ready to show you the information from the shuttle. We also have the device that was sending the signals quarantined in a force field.”

“Very good Commander,” I said. “But Ensign Tilly gave me this PADD a little while ago. I was able to go through the images. I think we need to discuss the implications,” I said.

We walked, matching each other’s steps effortlessly, and in a few moments found ourselves in the shuttlebay.

Burnham, Saru, Culber, and Tilly were all waiting. Tilly gave me a big smile and a head tilt, while the rest stood gravely at attention.

“At ease,” I said. I handed the PADD back to Tilly. “Ensign Tilly gave me the shuttle data, and I have had the chance to go through it,” I said.

“Sir,” Burnham said, “We understand that mission was classified, but we did view the images in order to try to help you.”

“It’s alright, Burnham,” I said. “It is perfectly reasonable for one to have done so in this instance. I want to thank you for the hard work. I am feeling more myself now. I really am grateful,” I said.

Dr. Culber started running scans. He looked at the equipment and lifted his face with a smile.

“Your brain activity readings are returning to normal,” he said.

“Thank you Doctor,” I replied.

“Well, I would like to tell you about the _Enterprise_ ’s encounter with Talos IV,” I said. Then I told the abbreviated version of the story—leaving out the more personal moments, namely the physical encounters with Vina and my secret desires to stay on Talos IV.

“Captain,” Saru said. “This is quite fascinating. So you think that these Talosians intercepted you on your way to the Orion system to bring you back to their menagerie as they call it.”

“Yes, I do.” I said. “I was heading to Orion to follow up on the Red Angel lead we had. Since I was not there, do we know anything? Did the Orion government offer any intel?” I asked wanting to change the subject from Vina and Talos IV.

“No, sir,” Burnham said. “But I have a lead on Spock’s location. Permission to follow that up?”

“Permission granted,” I said. “Well, if there is nothing else,” I paused and scanned this collection of fine crew and officers. As much as I missed being on the Enterprise, this crew was among the best I ever served with. “Commander Saru, please take the Con. I have to add a little to my report before Admiral Cornwall arrives. Thanks everyone. Dismissed,” I said.

Dr. Culber tapped my elbow gently as we walked out of the shuttlebay together.

“How are you feeling, Captain,” he said.

“You said my scans are back to normal Doctor, so I am feeling fine,” I replied.

He just looked at me for a long moment.

“If you ever need to talk, my door is always open,” he said.

I nodded. Culber headed back to his medbay, and I hurried to my quarters. I was late filing this report, and I never do anything late.

My door hissed open, and I stepped into my Spartan quarters. I sat at the workstation and assembled the list of stardates, filled in the story of my captivity (without any personal detail) and concluded that the successful removal of a device allowed for the link to be severed. It was concise, neat, textbook. The Admiral would approve.

“Computer,” I said. “Personal log,” I paused. There were so many things I wanted to say. But it was hard speaking them aloud to myself.

“The Talosians offer me a place to live in peace with no feelings of regret or grief. It is a hard offer to pass up. I could forget Allie and what she means to me. I could push Noel’s death aside. I could live in blissful ignorance at my lack of participation in the Klingon War. It is almost a dream come true. But truth be told. I don’t want to forget those I loved. I want to feel the loss of them because that means that I really loved them. I can’t forget my feelings about the war. I need to use those feelings to drive me to find this Red Angel. And I can’t forget Vina’s true form. She can never leave Talos IV. She can only live in fantasy. I’m not sure that is the life for me, but I can’t deny my feelings for her. It is love and hate mixed together. And it is one difficult situation.”

I pressed the end recording button on my workstation. I said the words and noting bad happened. I said the words and I actually felt a little better. I opened a small drawer near my workstation. In it was a picture of Allie and me. We were smiling and sitting on a beach in California. Her hair was blowing free in the wind. I had my hands wrapped around her, my lips on her cheek. It was my favorite image of us, and if living on a fantasy world to assuage my grief was tempting before, it no longer was. I ran my finger across her face.

“I still love you, baby,” I said as I put the picture back in the drawer and closed it. I poured myself a drink and sank into my chair. The Admiral would be on Discovery soon. I wanted to be in a better frame of mind. I picked up a novel and allowed myself to get lost in that fantasy world for a little while.

“Captain,” Saru’s voice boomed over the intercom.

“Go ahead,” I replied.

“Admiral Cornwall’s shuttle has just docked.”  
“I’m on my way. Pike out,” I said.

I closed the book, brushed my teeth, and headed to the shuttlebay smiling and nodding to all the crew in my wake. It felt good to be me again.


	11. Go for Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discovery is heading to the Klingon world of Boreth. Burnham is looking for Spock.   
> Another plot chapter, but at least Captain Pike is not suffering (for the moment...)
> 
> Thanks for the support.

I walked briskly to the shuttlebay to meet Vice Admiral Katrina Cornwall. Admiral Cornwall was Starfleet through and through, but she would listen and be fair. I know that my crew is worried that I will be executed because I was on Talos IV, but Admiral Cornwall would not allow that. Plus, the “execution” order for anyone who goes to Talos is a bit overhyped.

“Admiral,” I said with a nod as I stood at attention.

Katrina Cornwall walked from the shuttle’s ramp with a quick, but light step. She was tall, thin, and still very beautiful. I met the Admiral when she was only a First Officer, and I am proud to say that she is not only my superior officer but she is also a friend.

“Chris, good to see you safe and sound,” she said touching my arm.

“I wasn’t aware that you had been briefed,” I replied a little puzzled.

“I only know that _Discovery_ had lost contact with you, but I read between the lines. Your First Officer is not a very good poker player, methinks. We tried to stay radio silent in case of Section 31,” she said with a weak smile.

“I can fill you in,” I said as we walked from the shuttlebay. I handed the Admiral a PADD with my report and the downloaded images from Talos IV. She flipped through them as we made it towards the turbolift. I was anxious to be back on the bridge—to be in the chair.

“Chris,” she said. “This report is extraordinary. You mean then pulled you onto the planet and then let you go like that, she snapped her fingers.”

“I think I was able to leave because they were tracking me, but Burnham and her team took care of that,” I added.

“Yes, it does seem like they did a bang-up job,” she added. “How are you handling this?” she asked with her professional, the-doctor-is-in-voice.

“Never better,” I replied.

She tilted her head in my direction and was almost ready to speak, but the turbolift doors whooshed open, and we stepped in. The movement was light and effortless and changed the situation so quickly that she dropped that line of questioning fast. We were to the bridge in no time.

“What is the next step,” she asked as the doors opened. The din of the bridge hummed in my chest. I felt the energy, the excitement. I was part of me.

I walked out first and said, “Admiral on the bridge.” All the bridge officers snapped to attention and gave her their eyes.

“As you were,” she said.

“Commander,” I said to Saru, “we will be in my ready room.”

“Very good sir,” he said.

Admiral Cornwall and I made ourselves comfortable. I took a moment and tried to choose my approach carefully. The admiral’s training in psychology should not be overlooked by anyone, especially a person (like me) who is trying to recover from stress. I did not want to overplay my hand. I did not want to admit to being out of time or confused or manipulated or suffering from endless grief.

“Katrina,” I said. “The Talosians kept saying that they were and still are trying to protect me. I tend to believe that because it is now two-for-two in the escape department for me. If they wanted to kill me, they would have.” I paused. “They have powers of illusion, true, and can create fantasy worlds.”

“I can see that,” Admiral Cornwall said scrolling through the images on the PADD. “Is this you in a castle?” she added with a half smile.

“Yes,” I admitted. “But there is more,” I said. “They have powers of memory. I am not sure how to say it. They don’t change the memory, but they can help one learn from the memory. They seem to collect them,” I said.

“It is strange,” she replied. “Why now? Does it have anything to do with the Red Angel or with finding Spock?”

“I think there is a connection to Spock. He was there with me the first time. He’s missing now. I was just taken. It feels like more than coincidence,” I said.

“What about the Orions? Did that lead pan out?” she asked.

“No, but I think that was a ruse from the Talosians. My shuttle was in their direct area as I was en route to Orion. Saru contacted Orion and no one has any record of contacting _Discovery_. No red signals appeared there either,” I added.

“And Spock,” Admiral Cornwall asked.

“Burnham went after him,” I added. “She left just before you arrived.”

Just then a thud hit the hull. We were jolted from our comfortable positions, and were on the bridge in seconds.

“Report,” I ordered.

“A Section 31 ship just dropped out of warp very close to our position,” Saru said. “Ash Tyler is transferring over, per Leland’s orders.”

I raised an eyebrow, a small habit I picked up from my half-Vulcan second officer, “On whose authority?” I said.

“The communication was brief. They have intel on the Red Angel,” Saru added.

I turned and looked at Admiral Cornwall.

“I don’t know anything about it,” she replied to the unanswered question.

“Mr. Tyler is on his way to the bridge,” Saru said.

The Section 31 ship warped out. The close proximity shook our hull once again. I rolled my eyes. I really hated this cloak-and-dagger bullshit. With that Ash Tyler stepped onto my bridge. I couldn’t say that I liked him. In fact, I did not trust him. I didn’t know whose side he was on: Klingon, Federation, or Section 31’s.

“Mr. Tyler,” I said with a nod.

“Captain,” he said breathlessly. “We need to go to the Klingon world of Boreth. The time keepers there might help with the Red Angel. The time crystals could give us the clue we need. We need to hurry.”

“No one can enter Boreth, Mr. Tyler,” Saru said. “How do you propose we gain entry?”

“With her help,” Tyler said. Seconds later a hail came through.

“On screen Bryce,” I said.

Chancellor L’Rell appeared on the viewer. She spoke to Tyler in Klingon. He replied and then bowed. The Chancellor then turned to me. “Yes, Captain, I can make the introductions, but be warned. This is a sacred place, and many do not survive encounters with the time crystals.”

“Thank you for any help,” I said. “But I am still not clear as to what is going on and why we need a time crystal.”

“We recorded one of your red lights, and the red being was seen there a few hours ago,” she added.

The whole bridge went silent.

“Shall we meet you there, Chancellor?” I said.

L’Rell ordered her helmsman to set a course, and with a few Klingon phrases aimed at Tyler, she disappeared from the viewer. The Klingon cruiser warped out.

“Lt. Detmer, lay in a course to Boreth,” I said. “Admiral,” I deferred to Katrina’s rank for the command to engage. She nodded a subtle no.

“Hit it,” I said as I sat in the chair. It was good to be home.


	12. Dream On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Pike can't sleep. He visits with Vina (who is not bitchy this time) and starts to deal with his grief. The Discovery is almost ready to drop out of warp at Boreth.

“Our travel to Boreth was scheduled for 12 hours at warp 5. We didn’t want to exceed that speed and draw any undue attention, Admiral Cornwall warned. She has more inside knowledge of Section 31 than anyone I know. I will trust her. Crew and ship performing at optimum efficiency. For now, all is well. We don’t know what we will find on Boreth or if the Red Signal will still be there by the time we arrive. No communication from Burnham. I can only hope that she has found Spock. I need his expertise and his calming nature. I really need a friend I can count on,” I paused my log recording for a second and took another sip of what was left of the whiskey Admiral Cornwall gifted me. She was in her quarters. Normal crew rotation was in effect for the bridge. I had my short leave time to get some rest, do my logs, and maybe eat and shower. There is never enough time for everything. “Computer, save log recording,” I said.

I finished what was in the glass and picked at a replicated version of some of my favorite foods. Nothing seemed too appetizing, however. The corn tortillas were too bland and the salsa too salty. “Who programed this,” I said to myself. I was able to manage a little of the rice before I shoved the tray and the leftovers back into the replicator. I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled my boots off and unzipped my jacket and placed both neatly within arm’s reach in case something changed quickly, and I needed to head to the bridge. I curled up on my left side and stared at the wall wishing for an hour or two of sleep. None came. I tossed and punched the pillows but nothing changed until my head started to feel funny. I felt like my quarters were being swallowed in a drain, spinning around and around. I was in a void. It was empty and cold with no jacket or boots on my person.

Vina walked towards me with tiny steps that made her hips swing. She wore the dress again. The same one that she always wore. The same one I tore off of her when I fucked her in anger. I still felt shame about that. I wonder if she did.

“What is the meaning of this,” I said looking through her and into the void.

“Chris, Chris,” she said breathlessly. “I am using every bit of my strength to send you this message with the Talosians’ help, of course.” She smiled.

I did not return the gesture. I walked towards her and touched her hair. It was starting to come back to me. I could almost remember my first visit to Talos IV. I could almost remember the feelings of affection for her when I thought she was stranded there. I remembered the freedom from the pain of losing Allie when I was in the fantasy world. I took a step back.

“You feel real enough,” I said. “What is the message?”

“Be careful of Boreth. Do not believe the time crystal. You can still change your fate.”

With that, she was gone.

I was in my bed. Nothing in the room changed. The time was the same as when I left. I had two hours before I needed to report to the bridge. I decided that staying in bed wasn’t helping. I moved to my reading chair and thumbed through a few of my novels that were nearby. They were cowboy stories mostly. I loved reading about those adventures. I sometimes miss my ranch and horses back in Mojave. But being a Starfleet Captain was all I ever wanted to be. I started to reminisce a little. A smile crept across my face. It was a sly smile because these were real memories—not the remixes the Talosians could make—they were mine. And I needed to remember them.

I could see Noel in my mind’s eye. He was a rumpled mess. Our room was trashed, and he had two female cadets in his bed. He was proud and embarrassed that I walked in on that situation. I just laughed a little as I backed out of the room. “Sorry, buddy,” was all I could muster. My smile quickly turned as I thought about what happened to Noel. We graduated from the academy together and both had five-year-missions. Noel’s was classified and had to do with his knowledge of astrophysics, but that was all he ever said. I remember the day we shipped out. We slapped each other on the back and posed for a few pictures. I wouldn’t know of his death until three years later.

I never had a friend like Noel until Spock came into my life. I wanted him found and his name cleared with all my heart.

I walked back to my workstation and opened the drawer. I took the picture of Allie and me on the beach. “Well, Baby,” I said to her image. “I can’t sleep again.” Her radiant face just shone back at me. It was a moment in time—a moment in our lives—that would never come again. It was like touching stardust. Allie was the best damn engineer I ever met. We made it a rule to keep our situation private (but I am sure everyone knew) and to always eat breakfast together. I don’t like to eat breakfast anymore. It is like going on without her, which of course is what I am doing. It is what I must do.

I put the picture back in the drawer and opened the file with the images from Talos IV, my first visit there. I scrolled through them and tried to remember what I felt for Vina. Was it real or an illusion? She was beautiful and sexy and I wanted her. I remember wanting her. That feeling scared me a little. I also felt guilt for wanting an escape from the pain of losing Allie. I closed the files and tidied up my workstation and put my books away on the shelf. 

I found my boots and jacket and readied myself for my shift. “Coffee, black,” I ordered the replicator. I downed the mediocre beverage as quickly as possible. With all the tech on this ship, the food should really be better, I thought.

I walked the corridors for a few minutes taking the longer route to the bridge. I needed to stretch my legs and clear my head. I nodded and winked my way through. I played my part as the positive captain who knew what we were all in for. But of course, I never knew what would happen when we dropped out of warp. It is always a risk getting out of bed, they say.

“Chris,” Admiral Cornwall’s voice startled me from my active inner life.

“Admiral,” I replied.

“Any news on Spock,” she asked.

“Nothing yet,” I said. “I am just heading to the bridge for a full report now.”

“I’ll walk with you,” she said. “You know, I have been thinking,” the admiral added. “That you might benefit from a pysch eval based on the second captivity situation you have just been through.”

I paused my walking for a moment and faced her. My face felt flushed and my breath caught in my throat. 

“Admiral, with all due respect, I have had multiple scans and tests done in our medbay. I talked to Dr. Culber about my sleep disruptions before the device was found. I would be happy to lie on your couch, so to say, and to talk about my mother, but we are due to drop from warp at any moment near a potentially hostile Klingon planet. I have to be here—to be Captain—of this ship for my crew, for this mission.”

Admiral Cornwall looked at me for a moment and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “A response like that makes me more interested," she said. "You are under a great deal of stress and don't look like yourself. This might help you," she said. I took a few steps away and placed one hand in the other behind my back. I turned around slowly to face her. "You know I am right,” she said.

“I know,” I replied


	13. Go for Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike sees his future. Tissues needed!

“Black Alert,” I said as we readied for our final leg of the journey to the Klingon planet of Boreth. “Stamets, report,” I barked.

“We are ready, Captain,” he replied.

“Thank you, Commander,” I said in a nicer tone. I sat in the chair. “Helm,” I said.

“Aye, sir,” Detmer said as she keyed the last commands in.

The Discovery whirled around and dropped into orbit around Boreth. “I will never get used to that,” I said to Bryce who just smiled. “It is still amazing to me too, sir,” he added.

“Owo, Report,” I said.

“Standard orbit. Scans on the surface are a little fuzzy, sir,” she said.

“Captain,” Tyler said as he approached me with a tentative step. “We will need to wait for the Chancellor to make our petition for entrance to the monastery.”

I tapped my fingers on the sides of the chair for a second. Patience wasn’t always my strong suit. But I pursed my lips and gave him a small nod.

“Hold position,” I said.

Within a few moments, the Chancellor’s ship appeared. L’Rell was hailing us.

“On screen,” I said.

“Thank you, Chancellor,” I said with a bow in her direction. “Would you mind meeting with us in person?”

“That will be acceptable,” she said.

The main viewer switched off.

“Tyler, you are with me. Saru, you have the bridge,” I said as we headed to the turbolift.

“Sir,” Tyler began, I turned my head and lifted my eyes to meet his. “Can you let me know if my son is doing alright? He is on the planet. He is Voq’s son with L’Rell. No one can know about him. And we are forbidden from seeing him.”

“I had no idea, Tyler, that you had a child,” I said. “I will do my best to find out what I can.”

The turbolift opened and we hustled to the transporter room and made it in time before L’Rell’s pixilated form appeared on the pad.

“Chancellor,” I said.

She all but ignored me and headed straight to Tyler and took his arm. I escorted them to the conference room. L’Rell made her contact with the planet there. It was decided that I go alone to meet with the monks.

“Sir, I think a security detail needs to accompany you to the planet,” Saru said. “We can’t risk you being taken again.”

“Thank you for your concern, Commander,” I said. “But I am a big boy and I can take care of myself. The monks will only meet with me. If we need this mineral, this time crystal, to complete our mission, I will go. We will complete the mission,” I said. My look stated that the conversation was indeed over, and Saru left my ready room and took his station on the bridge. I turned to Admiral Cornwall who sat observing the workings of the mission.

“I can do this Katrina,” I said.

“I know you can, Chris. If you ever want to talk about it with a friend, I am here,” she smiled and lowered her head as she left the ready room.

“Computer,” I said. “Outer clothing suitable for this planet’s atmosphere and the condition of the monastery.”

The replicator whipped up a steel blue coat with a hood and some thicker boots. I collected the items and headed to the transporter room.

“Saru, you have the con,” I said as I moved through the bridge.

“Admiral,” I said.

Admiral Cornwall walked with me to the turbolift and accompanied me to the transporter room.

“That is a great coat,” she said. “I think I will have the replicator make one for me!”

I just smiled as I put it on and hopped on to the pad.

“Transport,” I said.

I materialized at the foot of an imposing door. I knocked. It was a fortress, not that unlike the one on Rigel VII. I swallowed hard. The door swung open. I crossed the threshold. A hooded monk approached.

“I am Captain Christopher Pike of the starship _Discovery_.”

The monk did not speak. He just looked at me. I scanned the room. Other monks tilled some soil and planted what looked like seeds. Seconds later, large, full trees sprouted. The hooded monk noticed my surprise and said, “Time doesn’t work the way you think. Here on Boreth we understand time differently.”

Intrigued by his statement, I made a move forward.

“I am here because of the Red Signals.” He nodded.

“We know why you are here,” he added.

“We need a time crystal to help us better understand these signals and complete our mission,” I said.

“Follow me,” the hooded monk said. “Time flows differently for those who protect the crystals.”

I nodded and followed him through the monastery.

“The past, present, and future are all equal. I am Tenavik, son of none,” he said.

Tenavik opened a large door. Inside there were clusters of blue-green crystals of various sizes. It was cold and damp in the room. We entered with quiet steps. Tenavik placed both hands in the sleeves of his robe to brace himself against the cold. I was thankful the for the newly replicated boots.

“No human has ever taken a crystal,” he said finally. “What you see when you touch a crystal is for you alone. You may never speak of it. You may choose to leave the crystal behind to change your fate. If you take it, your fate is sealed.”

“I must complete our mission,” I said.

“Choose,” Tenavik said with a wave of his hand.

I walked into the field of crystals that looked the glassy blooms on stationary flowers. I reached out and touched one that called to me. It was like a bolt of lighting through my skin. It happened all at once and slowly at the same time. I saw myself. I was older. I was in a gray uniform. There were cadets. I was on a bridge. It was an explosion. I shoved a cadet to safety. My skin was burning. I couldn’t feel anything. Then I saw it. The chair. Not my bridge perch, a chair that confined me from the neck down. It was a cage. I gasped and fell to the ground. I wanted to drop that crystal and run. I wanted to escape that cold room with the icy monk inside it. I sat back on my haunches.

“I am a Starfleet Captain. And this shows me a future I didn’t imagine for myself. I believe in service, sacrifice, compassion, and love. No. I will not abandon the things that made me who I am,” I said aloud. I had to hear myself say the words. I needed the courage to hold on to the crystal. I had to complete the mission. I had to.

“Captain,” Tenavik said. His voice startled me. I almost forgot he was there.

“You may take the crystal. You have earned our respect,” he added with a nod. I followed him from the field of time on shaky legs. I made it to the beam out point. I flipped my communicator open.

“Pike to _Discovery_. One to transport.”

A flash of light later and I was back on the ship. I gave the crystal to engineering. It was placed in a protective case. No one was to touch it.

“Pike to bridge.”

“Saru here, Captain.”

“Do we have a new heading,” I asked pushing the bile back down my throat.

“Yes, we have another signal,” he replied.

“Set a course,” I said.


End file.
